The living room was dim and it was excruciating for my eyes to see. Her whole apartment was visibly dark, it was the light from the bathroom that keeps this room alive. I saw Robin rushing towards the bathroom door. My breaths were shallow for every step that I took to flip the light switch in every corner of Tamara’s apartment. I heard Robin calling out my name from the bathroom, his voice was slightly shaking and I could sense that he was panicking from the inside.

My legs were limply at the sight of her so soundless–shallow and fleeting in the water. She was as cold as death, lips were blue, her skin was numb whenever we tried to get her back. Robin cradled her body in his arms as I rushed to her closet to get some towels and a warm blanket.

“Where’s your key? I’ll drive.”

“In my back pocket, hurry, Jen.”

“Fuck… I can’t sense her heartbeat.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, don’t you dare leaving me like this, Tamara.

4 hours before it happens.

I enter the bathroom with an elongated sigh. My hand took over the pregnancy test on the bathroom’s vanity. Sometimes I hate my guts that always scream at me with frustration, but I think it was just my regret talking. I have so much regret with everything that has happened to me lately. And I don’t know what I should do to make it stop. I wish I could make it stop.

I sat in the bathtub that felt like forever until my alarm rang, exactly 10 minutes. They were positive. Oh fuck, how can I make it stop? My palm was covering my face from letting out the most outrageous scream that I’ve held since the meeting happened yesterday. I feel like throwing up thinking about it again. The words that he consciously blurted out yesterday were playing in my head like a broken cassette.

How could I ever be capable of being a lover? The only love that I believed for years had turned me down so many times and I couldn’t stomach the signals for so long. The love that has run dry ever since it happened, yet I still yearn to be called someone’s lover.